A "Framtastic" wedding

My friend, fishing buddy and former Timesonian, Corey Fram, got through his wedding last weekend in Alex Bay without any sign of nervousness, dread or inkling that he planned to grab the nearest boat and flee to Canada. His bride, Marlaina, who had been grooming him for that day for about three or four years, can take a lot of the credit.

Now comes the big first test of the marriage: The moment Corey finds out they are the proud owners of some 200 chair covers used at the reception. And that they paid several hundred bucks for them.

There is not one single man alive who knows that you can buy chair covers in bulk or that there is a cottage industry that rents these things out for a couple’s big day. Wedding planning for a man is pretty simple: Ring? Check. Tux? Check. Beer? Check. Let’s get married.

Brides and mothers are the only things that make the first two items on that list slightly more than optional for a guy. But we at least understand the tradition and symbolism of a ring and the need to look dapper for your babe on the wedding day. We don’t understand the whole idea of paying to have someone put tuxes on a utilitarian piece of furniture that is a nest for butts.

Women do because most have been planning their wedding since the time they were able to get out of the sandbox without any help from their parents. They know at about age 4 not only that they are going to need the chair covers, but that they will need to be antique ivory with summer peach-colored sashes to match the bridesmaids’ dresses.

I guess that’s why it is said that women are from Venus and men are from the Midwest. Pretty plays on Venus. Practical plays in the Midwest. And there is nothing practical about chair covers. It’s all frou-frou.

Corey will still be basking in the glow of new marriage when he returns home from the honeymoon to find the pile of antique ivory in his living room. That may be enough to stop him from making any rookie mistakes. He also turned 30 this week, which should give him enough experience to know that you don’t argue or complain to women about anything related to the planning and execution of THEIR wedding.

Now, I could see him grabbing a cover off the pile and using it to wipe the grease off the outboard motor on his boat. That would cause him some problems, but it would be explainable in a, “Hey, I’m a guy who grew up on the river and had an Evinrude before I even knew what girls were,” kind of way. Marlaina will likely give him a head slap and call him something other than Snugglehunny, but she probably will forgive him for the digression pretty quickly after that.

It will give them a story to tell when they are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Which is pretty important given that he didn’t pass out at the altar, forget the ring, lose his shoes, have an uncontrollable laughing jag when the minister asked if he would he would take Marlaina as his loving wife, or do anything else that might be considered “funny” somewhere down the road.

Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Corey Fram. They had what has already been coined by one of their Facebook friends as a “Framtastic” wedding. And thanks to Marlaina, they might have the nicest chair covers in all of Alex Bay.